Blending Families Archives - Collaborate Counseling

How to Set Boundaries with In-Laws to Protect Your Marriage

Carolyn Riviere — Mon, 26 May 2025 16:18:58 +0000

By Carolyn Riviere, LMFT, Certified Sex Therapist, Trauma Specialist

In my work with couples, one issue that surfaces more than I ever expected is the enmeshment and boundary crossings that in-laws perpetuate on their adult children. Most often, it is usually the husband’s mother and father, infringing on the non-biological spouse. I call these, in-law boundary violation. Young and old couples frequently walk into my office feeling frustrated, torn, and emotionally exhausted. One partner might say, “My parents are just trying to help,” “I am caught in the middle of my wife and parents,” “my parents mean no harm, they love us.” These violations personally and physically distant and tear apart a new family system and lead to discussions of divorce, isolation, and hopelessness. When these behaviors happen in the adult child’s own home, the result is losing the safe haven of their own surroundings and home environment, leaving the spouse feeling undermined, invaded, or infantilized. In addition, the boundary abused spouse potentially starts feeling “un-defended and isolated” from her partner.

This isn’t just about whose holiday traditions win out or how many unannounced visits happen in a month. It’s about autonomy, identity, and the right to form a separate, nuclear family unit. When boundaries are unclear, or worse, consistently crossed, it can damage the couple’s connection, trigger trauma responses, and perpetuate dysfunctional patterns for generations. Not only are they hurting and attacking their own children, but affecting and cutting off relationships with grandchildren.

Why does this behavior happen? What is going on in this family system that grandparents and in-laws would seemingly forge direct attacks or passive-aggressive statements on their child’s own family? Let’s break this down: what’s actually going on, why it matters, and how couples can begin to heal.

Understanding Enmeshment and Boundary Infringement

Enmeshment is when personal boundaries are diffused, and individual identities become entangled. In enmeshed families, loyalty and closeness are prioritized to the point where autonomy is sacrificed. According to Salvador Minuchin, the founder of structural family therapy, enmeshment disrupts healthy relational structures and stunts emotional growth¹.

In the context of in-laws, this might look like a mother who calls her son multiple times a day for emotional support, asking him to “come over and fix something at all hours of the night,” undermining his partner. Or a father-in-law who constantly questions the couple’s decisions on parenting, finances, or religion, framing it as “just looking out for them.”

These interactions may seem well-intentioned, but they create triangulation—a dysfunctional relational pattern where a third party (the in-law) is inserted into the couple’s relationship dynamic. Over time, this erodes trust and emotional safety. The non-biological spouse is often targeted, set aside, again, even in her own home. If the partner (husband) does not defend or set boundaries with his parents, the marriage can begin to erode, trust is broken, and the partner can be left in a state of isolation/anger, even in their own home.

Why It Hits Harder for Young Couples

Young couples are in a critical developmental stage. They’re not just merging lives; they’re building a shared identity. Research shows that establishing a strong “couple bubble” early in a relationship is key to long-term satisfaction ².

When in-laws dominate space emotionally or physically, they interrupt this bonding process. What may look like tension between spouses is often a symptom of an external boundary violation that hasn’t been addressed directly. To the partner of the infringing parents, this can feel normal; it’s how they grew up. They are used to their parents being enmeshed in his life. To the outside spouse, this causes havoc: why is my husband not choosing me over his parents? Why isn’t he defending me? All of these statements couples and individuals have expressed during sessions.

This hits especially hard when unresolved trauma is in play. If one partner grew up in a household where boundaries were routinely ignored, they may struggle to recognize enmeshment or feel immense guilt at the idea of asserting themselves.

Signs, Behaviors, and Manipulation Due to Unhealthy In-Law Dynamics

Frequent emotional manipulation or guilt-tripping
In-laws expecting to be prioritized over the spouse
One partner defending toxic behavior to “keep the peace”
Chronic secrecy or triangulation (e.g., venting to in-laws about marital issues)
Feelings of resentment, emotional burnout, or role confusion

Steps to Heal and Reclaim Your Family System Autonomy

Acknowledge and Name What Is Taking Place for All Involved

Awareness and acceptance by both partners is the first step. The most important person to validate the other spouse is the partner whose parents are crossing the lines. Couples must recognize the dynamic for what it is: not simply family tension, but a breakdown in boundaries that requires intentional repair. Normalize the discomfort. You’re not failing as a spouse or child—you’re trying to rewire a family system that benefits from the status quo. You (the child of the adult parents who are enmeshed) grew up in this dynamic, but your spouse did not, nor did they agree to be in an enmeshed marriage. They married YOU.

1. Clarify the Couple’s “We”

Therapist Stan Tatkin emphasizes creating a “couple bubble” where both partners agree that the relationship comes first. Discuss shared values, communication rules, and what support from extended family should look like. This is the pathway to healing the marriage, setting clear boundaries, and delivering the message to the “parents.”

2. Set and Hold Boundaries

This step can be terrifying, especially if guilt or cultural expectations are in play. Boundaries might include:

No drop-ins without notice
Not discussing the relationship with parents
Choosing to spend holidays based on mutual preference, not obligation

Boundaries need to be communicated calmly but firmly. It may help to script these in therapy beforehand to avoid reactive conversations. I have even had generational therapy sessions when the older couple is completely unaware and remorseful.

3. Support the Partner Caught in the Middle

The partner whose family is overstepping must take the lead in addressing the issue. This shows alignment and solidarity. That doesn’t mean attacking their family, but rather reinforcing the boundary: “I love you, and I want a relationship with you, but I’m prioritizing my marriage.”

4. Address Trauma Responses

If either partner experiences intense anxiety, shame, or dissociation when setting boundaries, it could be linked to early attachment trauma. A trauma-informed therapist can help unpack these responses and develop nervous system regulation strategies.

5. Engage in Couple and/or Family Therapy

Sometimes, the in-laws can be invited to a structured session to discuss new relational norms. More often, couples need their own space to build tools, process grief, and untangle years of generational conditioning.

In some families and cultures, enmeshment isn’t just common—it’s expected. Multigenerational living, shared finances, and interdependence are normalized. That doesn’t make the pain of boundary violations less real.

Therapy doesn’t aim to Westernize or individualize everyone’s family values. It seeks to help each couple define what safety, respect, and autonomy look like for them, within their cultural framework.

Final Thoughts: Boundaries Are a Form of Love

Setting boundaries with in-laws isn’t rejection of your family system. It’s restructuring. It says, “We want a relationship with you, but not at the expense of our marriage.” For couples navigating this difficult terrain, know this: you are not alone, you are not broken, and it is possible to love your family while protecting your partnership. It actually is the only option. The newly formed, Nuclear family has to be prioritized.

As a therapist, I see healing happen when couples turn toward each other with honesty and grit. When they stop trying to please everyone and start honoring their “we.”

And that’s the beginning of real change. I believe it will make your marriage more intimate, secure, and safe for all involved.

References:

Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy. ↩
Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. ↩
Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. ↩

If you’re facing these challenges, reach out. Therapy isn’t about fixing what’s broken—it’s about creating space for something stronger to grow.

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Blended Family

Carolyn Riviere — Fri, 14 Feb 2020 17:03:01 +0000

Blended Family

SEPTEMBER 3, 2019

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COVID and Keeping Connected

Carolyn Riviere — Wed, 17 Jun 2020 23:05:12 +0000

COVID and Keeping Connected

June 06, 2020

It is hard to fathom what went wrong when everything in our life shut down in March. This was a historical event that no one in the world has ever experienced. Grandparents, parents, children, doctors, therapists, world leaders…..no one has went thru what we all have gone through together over the last few months. Most of us went to offices, took children to school and enjoyed perhaps weekend family/friend outings just days before we were told to stay inside. There were travel plans, work and children events, family and career plans left to participate in and complete. Life was going as planned, until the news of a pandemic menacingly striking people across the globe broke out.

People were confined to their homes and life has changed dramatically for most, and potentially may never look the same. Markets, parks, shopping centers in fact entire countries were put on lockdown and life has changed for the world, and who knows after this what the “new normal” is going to be?
However, what I have seen in my practice and with the individuals, couples and families that I work with, is the resiliency in spite of, this pandemic. Families, and individuals coming together, making the best of the situation, bringing strategies to their life that are working, some that are not working but hoping and searching for ways to live in the present moment, while reaching for the future and redesigning their life to fit this new world.

Exactly what that may look like, none of us know, but there are actions, strategies and ways of being that will keep us connected, moving forward, and building relationships that will continue to grow and keep us connected. We are built for community, even during lock downs. We have seen this thru out the world. People reaching towards one another. How they do this, reach, has been inspiring and life changing for a great many of us. And we do it every day in our own lives and families. I work with couples, individuals, and children, making these “reaches”, within themselves and amongst themselves. This is how we survive and thrive.
Here are a few ways that I have found and my clients have been working on in their own lives and homes:
Develop a family routine

A change in routine can sometimes be a source of unnecessary stress for everyone in the family. By helping develop a routine pre-COVID level of normalcy can be maintained. It can be helpful if you take input from each family member to ask what their daily routine will be during this time period.

Following are some ideas to help your family develop a routine:
– Wake up and have breakfast according to your normal schedule.
– Set up space that may not have been available before Covid, for everyone to do their work/school, etc so there is no overlap if possible.
– Include breaks for exercise, walk around the block, get some sun!
– Involve everyone in preparing dinner. Eat together, Set aside some time in the night for reading books or watching a movie together.
– Go to bed on time, keep scheduling to keep normalcy. Things are getting back to normal!
– Ask kiddos for their input, what will help them feel part of the family? Are they missing their friends, is there a way to include them?
– Don’t forget couple time! Even if you are all together as a family, you still need individual and couple alone time.
– Begin a Mindfulness practice, include the children, www.insighttimer.com is free and over 24,000 meditations a day.
– YouTube exercise Classes! There is such a variety of classes on line from Boflex, to individual dance classes and personal trainers. You may get in the best shape of your life.

Use this time as we are beginning to go back out in the world, to be safe, stay connected, re-explore relationships with co-workers, neighbors and your family as an opportunity, to find out what is important to you, who you want to be in relationship and who you choose to be with in relationship. Re-define those definitions based on the forced choice that we all just went through to now having a choice of what relationship looks and feels like on a 24×7 basis! Would love to hear from anyone your thoughts and ideas.
Carolyn@collaboratecounseling.com

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Unplugging: A Clients Journey!

Carolyn Riviere — Fri, 14 Feb 2020 17:05:01 +0000

Unplugging: A Clients Journey!

MARCH 28, 2017

Dealing with anxiety, depression and the loss of a relationship while being twenty something is difficult! Potentially more so with social media pressure in which the millennium generation has grown up and surrounds themselves within. However, I have been working with an extremely unusual and amazing client that has taken a risk with several beneficial and surprising outcomes.

After a unexpected breakup, this particular client found herself as most individuals find themselves doing after a break up, checking their Facebook and social media accounts for news of their old romance. This was causing more anxiety and depression than the break up. She decided in between sessions, to go cold-turkey, and “disconnect” from her Facebook account at first. Then proceeded to eliminate herself from other social media, such as snapchat and instagram.

What happened after that was shocking! She came back into session the following week, and was less anxious, presented with a smile, was more confident and not thinking as much about her lost relationship. She was more engaged in “real Life”, relationships and reconnecting to what she considered, “really mattered”, friends and activities that supported her life and ambitions. It turns out, social media was one of the root causes of her anxiety and stress. She had found herself constantly checking her lost love’s whereabouts, who he was with, if he was out, his relationship status, etc.. Not only that, it was a drain on her personal life and activities that actually was inhibiting her enjoying the real things that she actually use to enjoy in her life.

Without her constant beeping and buzzing of her accounts, and the knowledge that the social network was right at her fingertips, she was forced to go out on her own, forge new connections without the aid of false reporting’s, pictures, and updates of supposed friends, superficial relationships, she thought were more important than not, and learning about lives that were perhaps based on truths but sometimes were not.

Are the pictures of our friends, families, acquaintances are posted an accurate reflection of what is really going on in life’s that we are viewing? For some, are they representing what they do not have, and potentially not a true, accurate representation of the story behind the picture being portrayed? Over Christmas break, my son demonstrated just this truth; I was appalled and saddened by what I saw. A young woman, he knew, very beautiful, had posted a picture of herself, but looking closely at the picture, he pointed out that her legs were not the same size. She in fact and edited them to make them look smaller. So much so, that they were pencil size and out of proportion. The reality being, that what many people are viewing as happiness, health and well being, may not be reality at all.

Since this first encounter and experience with my client, I have been doing my own survey/research on social media within my own therapeutic and friend circle. Can you really unplug? What are the thoughts about this, how would you feel? Have you ever done it? There are some great articles written about how to do just this.

Daniel Wallen writes about 5 Psychological reasons you are maybe addicted to Facebook and how to break the habit! If you think this is you, read more about how he suggests kicking your habit in the following link and blog:

https://www.lifehack.org/233325/5-psychological-reasons-you-are-addicted-facebook-and-5-ways-break-the-habit?ref=sidebar

Carlo Cruz in his blog regarding disconnecting from social media, agrees with the sentiment of losing ourselves in the fasted paced internet and social world of technology by stating the following:

“But sometimes, you may get lost in your online life that you forget to live your real life. You may focus on being more connected only to end up being disconnected with the real world. Sometimes, you need to take a step back, disconnect from social media and connect with life once again.” (https://www.lifehack.org/280613/9-steps-disconnect-from-social-media-and-connect-with-life-again)

Once we realize that social media has taken a hold of us, our relationships and our lives, and it might be time to take a break, check out, what and how we have disconnected ourselves, and our interactions, there could be some monumental benefits waiting. Carlo gives 9 steps or ways to disconnect from social media in his blog and goes on to state…

“Most importantly, live a real life, interact with real people, and be awesome in the real world! Don’t stress yourself making your profile wonderful. Live an awesome life and it will automatically follow! Do exciting stuff. Write a book. Plan a trip. Whatever. Just be awesome! Most importantly, live a life that matters and you don’t have to get your satisfaction and fulfillment from likes and shares ever again!”

(https://www.lifehack.org/280613/9-steps-disconnect-from-social-media-and-connect-with-life-again)

It is difficult to go anywhere and sit down without seeing multiple people all around on their cell phones, IPods, or any other variety of technical devices, even our two year olds are now not without their technology. What happened to colors and books at dinner?

There is nothing wrong with using our technology, at all! But my client started me asking this same question to many of my other clients who are struggling in relationships, and yearning for more intimacy. Just how much and how many times do you put down your cell phone or social media to listen to your partner or really reach out to connect to someone on a daily basis? That question could be shocking if you really are honest we with ourselves.

Carolyn S. Riviere, LMFT-C
Masters Marriage & Family Therapist
(720) 708 4865
www.collaboratecounseling.com

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