Trauma: Its affect on Attachment bonding and Relationships:

As a systemic therapist, I view relationship’s as forming and developing through the lens of multiple layers of life, circumstances, biology, genetics, sexuality, gender, family of origin background and trauma, to name just a few of these layers, forming our personhood. When and at what age, certain events, i.e., trauma or abuse happen to us, is influential to the developmental and emotional impact on us in both positive and negative, life sustaining ways that can unfortunately, and for many, detrimentally alter our way of thinking and moving in the world.

Pia Melody, in FACING CODEPENDCY, states, “the relationship with one’s self, I believe, is the most important, because when people have a respectful, affirming relationship with themselves, relationship with others automatically become less dysfunctional and more respectful and affirming”. She goes on to describe 5 symptoms trauma survivors experience if there is no healthy Self–Relationship (pg4, Facing Co-Dependency).

Lack of the following:

1. Experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem
2. Setting healthy functional boundaries
3. Owning and Expressing their own Reality
4. Taking care of their adult needs and wants
5. Experiencing and Expressing their realty moderating

As babies, we are wired for attachment, and have an innate need to be touched, loved and cared for. When these types of developmental necessities and nurturing do not happen, or worse, abuse, neglect, trauma is experienced, the attachment breaches and disconnects becomes solidified and hard wired into our brains.  The attachment bond is broken and emotional and behavioral responses are adapted to mitigate the abuse and trauma experienced.

Leading trauma models explain this switch that happens in trauma brains, as, “turning the world around”. In essences what happens is the abused or trauma child make themselves the “bad girl or boy” and begin to develop a cognitive mindset that they must have done something wrong to deserve whatever terrible things are happening to them. Children are just too little to make it in the grown up world and need to believe it is still good, while turning the abuse inward, and redirecting their thinking and experience if somehow, it is justified because of their actions or just who they are. 

A delusion begins, and the “lies that we tell ourselves from abuse” also form in our cognitive minds.  Stories such as; I deserved this, if only I was a better child they wouldn’t be so mad, and these messages go on and on, into our adulthood, shaping our grown up life.

Pia Melody, reinforces this thru her research, describing the child’s perspective of the abuse as “normal” and somehow interpreted as its fault or they were wrong. This begins the lock down and solidifying the Trauma impact on the mind and in the body.  The complex nature of trauma and abuse will take a journey of Healing and Recovery to switch this defense mechanism of thinking and feeling.

Our capacity as humans to form deep caring and loving intimate connection is regarded as the KEY feature of effective mental health functioning. John Bowlby, is the founder and developer of attachment theory and bounding.  He discussed throughout his life and modality that therapy had to be successful as a change agent in the clients life experience, so that they could overcome their trauma, lack of attachment abilities and be able to form flexible responding and effective bonding with others.

The key result or goal of healing and trauma work is learning how to emotionally regulate and engage with others on a daily basis. How we engage with our emotions, demonstrate to ourselves and those we seek relationships with, how we relate to suffering, pain and happiness.

Healing is a lifelong process. Learning to express emotions in healthy, validating ways is primary to long term attached partnerships.  If you are just beginning on your healing journey or need to re-start, email Carolyn@collaboratecounseling.com or go to her website at www.collaboratecounseling.com for information on her trauma work and history.