As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice—and as a sex and trauma therapist—I have spent years sitting with individuals and couples who arrive in my office carrying a familiar yet deeply personal ache. Many describe it as existential angst. Others call it restlessness, dissatisfaction, longing, or emptiness. Beneath the surface, what I often hear is the unfulfilled desire of the human heart.
My clinical work is grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the evidence-based couples modality developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. EFT teaches us that human beings are wired for connection and that much of our distress arises when our deepest attachment longings go unseen, unmet, or misunderstood. As Sue Johnson so beautifully states, therapy is about helping people understand and articulate the longings of their hearts.
These longings are shaped by many factors across a lifetime. They may emerge from family-of-origin experiences such as abuse, neglect, emotional misattunement, or, in some cases, even from what appeared to be a “perfect” childhood where authentic emotional needs were quietly dismissed. They may also be formed through failed relationships, betrayal, sexual or relational trauma, chronic illness, or a difficult diagnosis that disrupts one’s sense of self and future.
A Framework for Longing: Jay Stringer’s DESIRE
All of these life-forming experiences bring individuals and couples into therapy. Asclinicians, we hold the responsibility of continually deepening our understanding of human suffering and healing. I am constantly scanning the latest research, listening to research-based podcasts, and reading books that expand and inform my therapeutic lens. Recently, I was introduced to a new research-based book that offers a compelling framework for understanding human longing and healing: DESIRE by Jay Stringer, scheduled for release in March 2026.
Stringer’s work brings together psychology, neuroscience, trauma research, attachment theory, and sexuality in a way that feels both clinically grounded and deeply human. In DESIRE, he outlines five core desires—or organizing longings—that shape our internal worlds, our relationships, and our behaviors. These desires are not problems to be fixed; rather, they are invitations to be understood.
Desire for Wholeness
The first core desire Stringer identifies is the desire for wholeness—our longing to heal the wounds of childhood and make sense of our past. This desire shows up repeatedly in trauma work. Clients often carry fragmented narratives about who they are and why they react the way they do. Trauma, neglect, and attachment injuries disrupt our internal sense of coherence.
In therapy, the desire for wholeness is expressed as a yearning to integrate painful memories, reclaim lost parts of the self, and develop compassion for adaptive survival strategies. Healing is not about erasing the past, but about understanding how it shaped us and learning that we are more than what happened to us.
Desire for Growth
The desire for growth reflects our longing to live with authenticity and strength through life’s deepest challenges. Growth is often misunderstood as constant forward momentum, but clinically, it frequently involves learning how to tolerate discomfort, uncertainty, and vulnerability.
In this world of turmoil, confusion, loss and hope! Many clients arrive feeling stuck—emotionally, relationally, or sexually. Growth begins when individuals are supported in exploring who they truly are beneath coping mechanisms developed to survive earlier environments. This desire calls us toward courage, self-agency, and a willingness to engage life rather than retreat from it. Thus stems for a variety of my client’s feelings of anxiety, depression, lack of hope and fear, just to name a few.
Desire for Intimacy
At the heart of my work with couples is the desire for intimacy—the longing to know and be known. Attachment science reminds us that intimacy is not simply about communication skills or sexual compatibility; it is about emotional safety and responsiveness. I use the word of “longing” in my practice every day versus the statement, what would be your “Goals of therapy”.
When intimacy has been disrupted by trauma, betrayal, or emotional neglect, individuals often protect themselves through distance, defensiveness, or withdrawal. Therapy becomes a place where clients can safely risk connection again—learning how to express needs, respond to their partner’s vulnerability, and experience closeness without fear.
Desire for Pleasure
The desire for pleasure—our longing for touch, vitality, and sexual connection—is often the most misunderstood and shamed. For many, pleasure was crushed in childhood through abuse, rigid belief systems, or growing up in narcissistic or emotionally unsafe homes where personal desires were seen as dangerous or selfish.
From a trauma-informed lens, pleasure is not indulgence; it is a vital aspect of nervous system regulation and relational bonding. Healing the capacity for pleasure requires unlearning shame, reconnecting with the body, and developing a sense of safety within oneself and with others. Sexuality, when approached therapeutically, becomes a powerful pathway to integration rather than avoidance.
Desire for Meaning (Implicitly Held)
While Stringer names five core desires, woven throughout his work is an implicit longing for meaning—making sense of suffering and discovering purpose beyond survival. Clients often ask, “Why did this happen to me?” or “How do I live fully after what I’ve been through?” Therapy supports individuals in transforming pain into insight and self-compassion.
Desire as a Pathway to Healing
The word desire carries many meanings. For some, it represents hope and vitality; for others, it evokes fear, loss, or shame. When desires were punished, ignored, or exploited in childhood, it can feel too risky to acknowledge them at all. Traditional trauma therapies, family-of-origin work, and embodied and spiritual practices all offer pathways toward reclaiming desire.
I believe this is my primary goal as a therapist: to help individuals and couples understand, honor, and safely pursue the longings of their hearts. Desire, when explored with compassion and curiosity, becomes a roadmap rather than a threat.
Conclusion
We are living in a time where resources are more accessible than ever—research, podcasts, and therapeutic insights are readily available. DESIRE offers a research-informed and practical guide for understanding our deepest longings and how they shape our individual and relational lives.
I look forward to the release of this thoughtful and clinically rich book. Jay Stringer’s work provides language and structure for something therapists witness every day: that healing is not just about reducing symptoms, but about reclaiming desire, connection, pleasure, and meaning. When we tend to these longings, we move closer to a full life—one marked by joy, authenticity, and deep relational healing.
